Le Parody de l'Opera: 2004 Edition YES!
by Vanessa Osbourne
Summary: As many have done before, this is a little parody of the 2004 movie Phantom of The Opera. Made for laughs, giggles, smiles, and smirks! So, don't take it seriously. Rated just for safety. FLAMES WELCOME!
1. Insane Overture of DOOM and Mediocrity

**WHEEEE! I'M DOING A POTO PARODY! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

**So, anyway, it's based on the 2004 movie. The one thing you must understand is I ACTUALLY LIKE THE MOVIE! But, the idea to make fun of it flew into my mind, made a freaking nest out of BRICKS, then sat itself down. So, anyway, 2004 movie parody, trying my hardest to make it funny, craziness will ensue, and try not to get your hopes up on Raoul bashing. I don't bash his character as much as some people on the site. So, anyway, since she's used in my other POTO fic, and me and my OC that won't appear found her on the streets wearing rags and holding up a 'will sing for FOOD' sign , here is Carlotta doing our disclaimer.**

**Carlotta in a disclaimer suit: *Apparently angry.* Vanessa does notta own the 2004 movie adapatation of Phantoma of The-a Opera! **

**Le Parody de l'Opera: 2004 Edition. YES! **

*The time period is ummm. OK! I CAN'T REMEMBER THE TIME! So, we'll just say sometime BEFORE the use of television, iPods, computers, and lava lamps! The place is some auction that's selling a bunch of crap that no one should really care about now!*

Auctioneer Dude 1: Lot 66something. Wait, how much crap actually SURVIVED that fire-event thingy that we're not supposed to mention until the chandelier is up for bids.

Auctioneer Dude 2: Hey, does that thing even get SOLD?

Auctioneer Dude 1: I have no idea. So, anyway, lot whatever the crap it was, is a monkey music box. Anyone want it?

Madame Giry: GIVE IT TO ME! I NEED IT!

Auctioneer Dude 1: Or else what, may I ask.

Madame Giry: Uuuuuuum I'LL ASPLODE!

Auctioneer Dude 2: No you won't

Madame Giry: Darn it!

Old Raoul: I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT! *starts bawling like a 2 year old brat.*

Auctioneer Dude 1: And you are bidding what now?

Old Raoul: MY SOUL! HERE! *gives Auctioneer Dude 1 a piece of paper that reads 'Ral's Solle.'*

Auctioneer Dude 1: How, er, lovely. Do you have anything else? Money-wise.

Old Raoul: Sorry, all I have is this check for 100000000 francs, but I'll give you this bottle cap I found on the ground.

Auctioneer Dude 1: OOOH! BOTTLE CAP? GIVE IT TO ME! HERE! *Throws Old Raoul the Monkey Music Box.*

Old Raoul: Yay! *Takes Monkey Music Box and gives Auctioneer Dude 1 a dirty, beat-up bottle cap.*

Auctioneer Dude 1: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! I LOVE YOU BOTTLE CAP! *hugs bottle cap and excitedly jumps up and down*

Auctioneer Dude 2: Lot Anonymous, annoyingly long number: A chandelier that is now wired to make POPCORN! *wait a few minutes for Auctioneer Dude 1 to start the popcorn-making chandelier.* Auctioneer Dude 1? HELLO! DO I EXSIST TO YOU?

Auctioneer Dude 1: *making out with bottle cap.*

Auctioneer Dude 2: They don't pay me enough to do this. They don't even pay me at all. SCREW THIS! I WANNA BE DONE! *activates chandelier, which begins to rise while the Overture music plays.*

Chandelier: WHEEEEEEE! POPCORN FOR EVERYONEZ! *spews very buttery popcorn everywhere.*

Random Unimportant Person: *gets buttery popcorn in his eyes.* IT BURNS!

Madame Giry: *Gets covered in buttery popcorn.* Why me.

Old Raoul: *gets up out of wheel chair, puts music box onto chair, and begins making snow angels in the popcorn.* YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

*scene begins to change from black and white auctiony place covered in popcorn at the time when at least the CAR was invented, to the colored Opera Populaire at the time when there weren't even LIGHTBULBS! With popcorn still spewing everywhere!*

**Hahaha, cliffhanger sorta. If you've seen the 2004 movie, you probably think you know what's coming. Well, there's a chance that you're guess could be correct, but, I doubt that. NEVER DOUBT THE PEOPLE OF WALKMANLAND! NEVER! HAHAHAHAHAHA!**

**Carlotta in disclaimer suit: Crackara-Jackar! **

**Vanessa: SHADDUP! *hits her with a lava lamp.***

**Carlotta in disclaimer suit: *is knocked out.***

**Vanessa: Review please, because you will get POPCORN if you do! Flames allowed, but no swearing. They will be used for torches that will be used to find BOTTLECAPS! YES! **


	2. Of Epic Fails and Wins

**Yay! Chapter 2. Sorry I didn't update soon, I work in multiple fandoms, and I had a plot bunny-bird-walrus hybrid inside my mind for one, and then there's having to find ideas for a parody, coz if you just throw a bunch of random crud into it, it won't always come out the way you want it to. And also, my title wasn't supposed to be French. I just found the actual title to the actual book by Leroux, and wanted to use that in my title. Yay for creativeness!**

**Anyway, enough boring you senseless with my rambling, LET'S START THE PHIC!**

**Carlotta in disclaiming suit: They do notta own POTO, or anything else.**

**Vanessa: They?**

**?: WAIT NESSA! *girl wearing black T-shirt with the album art for 'American Idiot' black shorts, black tennis shoes, and bluish-purple glasses with her long, dark mousy brown hair up in two long braids.* HI CREATOR!**

**Vanessa: Oh, hey, this is Justine, my lovable OC that doesn't even appear in this!**

**Justine: WHOOOHOOO!**

**Le Parody de l'Opera**

*So, as the scene is changing and the popcorn still raining, horrible, and I mean HORRIBLE, so bad, it's bound to be toxic, singing is heard. Guess who's singing.*

Carlotta: *terribly off key* ! *farts loudly*

Maids: *explode*

Reyer: *waving conductor stick around randomly* Look at me! I have a wand! I'm a fairy princess. WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! *twirls around and trips on popcorn* OWIES WOWIES!

Retiring Manager/Manager Lefevre: Guess what? I'm leaving because I HATE YOU ALL! SO LONG SUCKERS! *jumps on random vine that appeared out of nowhere and swings away while making Tarzan noises*

Carlotta: I KNEW IT! PIANGI, YOU OWE ME FIVE BUCKS!

Piangi: Um, may I remind you we live in NINETEENTH CENTURY FRANCE, not TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY AMERICA?

Carlotta: *farts louder than before*

Andre&Firmin: *moonwalk into Opera Populaire similar to how Michael Jackson did in _Thriller_*

Firmin: WE ARE YOUR NEW RULER-er I mean MANAGERS!

Andre: SHAMOAN!

Firmin: *stares blankly at Andre* Okay then… we own a junk business.

Andre: TT_TT IT'S SCRAP METAL! WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Ballet Dancer: *in normal voice* Oooh, they must be rich. *in robotic voice* SWITCH TO MOOCHING GIRLFRIEND MODE!

Firmin: Anyway losers, sit down, shaddup, and listen up. Andre, stop throwing popcorn everywhere. There's a new patron, Le Vicomte de Chagny Raoul.

Raoul: HAI!

Christine: OHMYGOSH! RAOULY BEAR! IT'S MY OLD FRIEND RAOUL!

Meg: OMG HE'S FABULOUSLY HOT!

Christine: OOOH! I HOPE HE RECOGNIZES ME-Woah! *slips on popcorn*

Carlotta: HAI NEW WATCHING PERSON AND MANYJARS! *farts very, very, VERY loudly for a long period of time*

Raoul: Yo.

Andre: WAZZAAAAAAAAAAP!

Firmin: Dude, you really need to lay off the Pixie Stix…

Andre: NEVA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *runs around the opera flailing his arms in the air…and then slips on popcorn*

Raoul: CIAO! *snaps his fingers and starts skipping off*

Carlotta: HE WORSHIPPED ME!

Christine: Dangit! He didn't remember me!

Meg: He didn't SEE you!

Madame Giry: ONTO THE STAGE MY PRETTIES! ANDALE ANDALE! *starts whipping the ballet girls with a lion-trainers whip*

Ballet Girls: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *start dancing on stage, most of them tripping over heaps of popcorn*

Firmin: The blonde one is...?

Madame Giry: My daughter. Meg Giry.

Andre: *somehow recovered and started walking next to Firmin* And the pretty lady?

Madame Giry: Christine Daae.

Andre: OMG YOU MEAN SHE'S RELATED TO THAT DEAD GUY NAMED GUSTAVE THAT IS THOUGHT TO BE NAMED CHARLES BECAUSE OF THAT MUSIC VIDEO BUT IS TOTALLY REVEALED TO BE GUSTAVE BECAUSE WHEN YOU LOOK AT THAT PICTURE OF CHRISTINE'S FATHER IN THE CANDLE-LIGHTING SCENE IT SAYS 'GUSTAVE' AT THE TOP AND MAKES MORE SENSE BECAUSE OF CHRISTINE'S SON BEING NAMED THAT IN THE SEQUEL AND THE FACT THAT IN THE NOVEL HIS NAME IS GUSTAVE?

Madame Giry: Yup.

Firmin: I hear he played violin.

Madame Giry: Mmmhmm. *takes out a can of beer, opens it, and takes a swig* Dudes, if you don't want to be crushed by a fake elephant bigger than The Malfoy Manor, 24 walruses, and an extra sumo wrestler, I suggest you MOVE OUTTA DA FREAKING WAY!

Andre&Firmin: FLEE! *run out of the way with their arms in the air*

Carlotta: *really deadly, sour, toxic note* CANIBALS COME! *farts with the end of the music* ALL THEY WANT IS THE DANCERS! WHY! I AMA THA BEST!

Other Singers: NO YOU AREN'T!

Carlotta: *fumes* I'MA GONNA SING AGAIN! ACT THREE OF TONIGHT'S OPERA THAT LOOKS AS IF IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FIRST ACT!

Other Singers: SPARE US PLEASE!

Carlotta: *EXTREEMLY off key* THINK OF MEH! THINK OF MEH FONDLEE WHEN WE'VE SAID GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODBAI! *Farts a really smelly and deadly fart that makes a bunch of seagulls somehow die and fall to the ground*

Phantom *from the rafters* Gah! I can't take it anymore! *throws various items including all 7 books in the 'Harry Potter' series, a segway, a lava lamp, lots of pottery, a pug, 25 PB&J sandwiches, a cello, a live octopus, a Wii, a DS, a DS Lite, DSi, ALL of the equipment to play ALL of the 'Guitar Hero' and 'Rock Band' games, a pelican, and a spider monkey*

Carlotta: *is buried under crap and THANKFULLY stops singing*

Everyone but Carlotta: THANK THE LORD! WE'VE BEEN SAVED!

Phantom: There, that should keep her quite AND keep my basement clean. Wait, do I even HAVE a basement? *starts walking and pondering out loud, 'accidentally' making the backdrop fall down* Oops.

Carlotta: *is, sadly, somehow alive* OMYGOSH! YOU ALLA SUCK! Except for Piangi. LETA ME OUTTA OF HERE SO I CANNA RANT ON ANDA ON ABOUT HOW THIS HASA GONE ON FOR TOO LONG AND ABOUT HOWA ANGELIC MY VOICEA IS! *Farts for a short period of time*

Reyer: I WILL SAVE YOU! WITH MUH MAGICAL FAIRY WAND! *starts hitting Carlotta over the head with conductor stick*

Carlotta: *gets self out of junk* I QUIT! I NEEDA MAH DOGGY! *grabs a puppy with patches of missing fur, paint splotches on its fur and feet, and lipstick all over it's face* COME HERA DOGGY! WE'RA GONNA GET OUR HAIRA DONE! COME PIANGI!

Doggy: SPARE ME OH MERCIFUL GOD!

Piangi: *loud enough for Carlotta to hear* AMATURES! *turns to managers and speaks softly* _HELP ME!_ *gets dragged away by a fuming Carlotta*

Firmin: Dangit!

Madame Giry: You got mail. And it's from the Opera Ghost.

Andre: *looks intensely horrified* GHOSTYS! ME NO LIKEY GHOSTYS! NO NO NO!

Firmin: *annoyed* Great, look what you just did! Andre, go to your happy place.

Andre: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO *starts running around the Opera Populaire screaming 'NO', every now and then falling over popcorn and picking himself up*

Madame Giry: The ghost wants like, a Bajillion francs.

Firmin: Hmm, let me see, aw dang! Only a franc short! I AIN'T PAYING!

Reyer: *is obviously mad* WHO THE CRAP'S GONNA TAKE THE PLACE OF HER!

Madame Giry: Hey I know-

Andre: *gets in front of Reyer wearing an idiotic grin* AN UNDERSTUDY!

Madame Giry: *irritated* If you would kindly listen to me-

Reyer: THERE IS NO UNDERSTUDY FOR LA CARLOTTA!

Madame Giry: CHRISTINE FREAKING DAAE WILL DO IT!

Christine: *excitedly* DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME?

Firmin: A _chorus girl_?

Madame Giry: No. duh. Sherlock.

Reyer: Oh fine. Let me just grab my magical fairy wand and we'll start from the beginning of the aria. *grabs magical fair-er conductor's stick* BEGIN MORTAL!

Christine: *in beautiful voice* _Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goooodbye… _

* Christine continues the song as the scene changes to the actual opera with Christine wearing a dress made out of Santa's beard and has a soup can on her head. It stopped raining popcorn, and there are HORSEYS in the background, though they look pretty unimportant*

HORSEYS: WHOOHOO! *randomly crap on the ground*

HORSEYS' Caretaker: Aww dangit!

Raoul: OH MY LORD! IT'S CHRISTINE! WHOOHOO! I'LL INVITE HER TO DINNER! But first, I'll sing. *sings his part*

Christine: *finishes song/aria/opera*

Firmin: *claps from box, grinning widely*

Andre: BRAVA! MAGNIFICA! STUPENDA!

Firmin: *turns to Andre with a serious face* Shaddup Andre.

Fat Lady Watcher Person Dude: Aw jeez. *takes a HUGE swig from bottle that's probably full of some kind of alcoholic beverage, tells Carlotta that the opera totally ROCKED without her*

Carlotta: *starts crying and puts head into Piangi's chest*

Piangi: *to Fat Lady Watcher Person Dude* _HELP ME!_

**YAY! Another chapter! So, as always, R&R, flames welcome, and this time, they will be used to burn the HORSEY crap that's been scattered across the stage. And sorry to those who like any characters that they think were bashed.**

**Carlotta in disclaiming suit: WHY WAS I-A TAKEN OFFA THA STAGE?**

**Justine: Because YOU SUCK! *slaps her with a live tuna fish***

**Vanessa: O_O R&R for the love of walrus. **

**Timmy (Vanessa's pet walrus): *makes a walrus groan/roar/moan/?***

**Vanessa: Because you will get POPCORN, and COOKIES, and CAKE! And if you guess what reference I made when I said Christine had a soup can on her head, you get M&Ms! **

**Justine: *smiling* SO GET REVIEWING WHILE ME AND TIMMY TAP DANCE! *starts tap dancing***

**Timmy (Vanessa's pet walrus): *joins Justine***

**PEACETH! **


	3. The Aftermath of Opening Night

** AH! HIATUS SUCKS! Well, here's chapter 3 of my Phantom Parody! **

** Carlotta the Disclaimer: We. Do. Notta. Own. Le. Phantom.**

** Me: As simple as that!**

**Le Parody de l'Opera: 2004 Edition. YES!**

*Okay, so, the freakin opera is over. We're in the opera house. So. Many. People. I ARE AFRAID!*

Andre: *gives ballerina a cigar.* HERE IS A PRESENT!

Ballerina: Thank- *robotic voice.* SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE ACTIVATED! *waits one second, then blows up.*

*People being to run around fearfully like little ants from an anthill that just got a bottle of water poured on it. I LAV ANTS! XD*

Meg: *walks casually through the mess of fearful people. She passes by a two-year-old in time out, crying his eyes out in a corner when she enters the hallway place.*

*Meanwhile, while the little crushable people are running around, there's a tiny little room with a bunch of candles, and a big angel mosaic, thing.*

Picture of Gustave/Christine's Dad: *whining.* It's not fair! I'm called Gustave, as carved above, yet Sarah Brightman calls me 'Charles' in some music video. Truly, I hate BOTH names, and I wanna be called BOB! *weeps*

Christine: BURN MY CANDLES! BURN I SAYZ!

Candles: *in unison.* Yes master. *instantly burn very brightly without any matches, lighters, torches, or mega-awesome deadly flamethrowers.*

Christine: *laughs evilly, and, apparently, has fangs.*

Erik: Uh…..brava.

Phangirls who, personally, like the play more than the movie: OMGZNESS! YOU IDIOT! YOU SHOULD'VE SAID "Bravi"!

Christine: *returns to normal, naïve, fangless Christine and looks around sacredly.*

Meg: *enters the room and sits next to Christine.* CHRISTINEEY-TEENY-LEANY-BEANY-WEENIE!

Christine: Hiya my younger, less-talented-at-singing, and more-talented-at-ballet, best friend!

Meg: *jumps up and down.* HOW DID YOU SING SO WELL?

Christine: The angel of music, who may or may not be my father.

Meg: I think it's your father! Even though I'll go on to say that stuff like that is fiction. In fact, as we speak, we are fiction.

Christine: Whatcha talkin' bout willis?

Meg: Can't you see Christine? We're in a fan fiction parody of the real, 2004 POTO movie! Can't you tell? We're talking in chat script!

Christine: *scoots away from Meg.*

Meg: Oh, no one ever believes me! *runs away, crying.*

Christine: *runs after her.* COME BACK FRIEND!

Joseph Buquet: *watches Christine run off.* I'm so not gonna die anytime soon. *takes a swig of the 45 gal. Coca Cola bottle he's holding.*

*In Christine's dressing room that- ACHOO-that-ACHOO-THAT-ACHOO-_THAT_-ACHOO-_**THAT**_-ACHOO-_**THAT**_-AAAAAAACHOOOOOO! Sorry! Pollen allergies! Like I was saying, in Christine's dressing room with too many flowers that cause allergies like mine…*

People: WE WANT DAAE! WE WANT DAAE!

Madame Giry: *holding shotgun, shooting off people.* NO! *shoots.* NO! *shoots again.* Go away before I blow you away *starts singing fiercely.* _Like it's 1999! _*shoots off more people, then closes the door.* Ah. *puts down gun and gives Christine a rose.* You did well my dear. He is pleased with you.

Christine: Who?

Madame Giry: _He_.

Christine: Who?

Madame Giry: *annoyed.* _**He**_.

Christine: Who?

Madame Giry: *frustrated.* _**HE! **_THE FREAGIN PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! THE ONE WHO WILL MOMENTARILLY TRY TO BRING YOU DOWN INTO HIS UNDERGROUND LAIR! *looks scared.* I shouldn't have said that.

Christine:…What?

Madame Giry: *facepalm.* Never mind. *leaves.*

*Outside, where there are many corpses…*

Andre: YAY! WE DIDN'T DIE!

Firmin: Thank Gaul. *gives Raoul a huge bouquet of flowers and starts talking deadpan-ish.* Here, take this, and, no matter how much we beg, don't let us visit her with you.

Raoul: *shrugs.* 'Kay. *enters the room.* Sup 'Stine.

Christine: *overjoyed.* RAOULY BEAR! *hugs Raoul.* I'VE BEEN VISITED BY *starts singing dramatically* _THE AAAANGEL OF MUUUUUUUSIC!_

Raoul: *…..gets hugged.* You did nicely. Wanna come get something to eat with me?

Christine: I'd love to, but the *starts singing again.* _AAAAANGEL OF MUUUUUSIC_ *stops singing.* says I can't.*

Raoul: *whines.* Aw, come on! I ordered a freakin' $48.99 carriage for two!

Christine: Well…..um….

Raoul: *quickly.* I'm takin' that as a yes. 0.3098574359874 minutes! *rushes out of room, slamming the door behind him.*

Erik: *right in front of Roaul.*

Raoul: *pushes Erik aside, not noticing he's the freaggin PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!* Scuse me ma'am! *runs.*

Erik:…..*walks and locks door with an awesome, black key with a rope-thingy hanging off.*

Madame Giry: *turns to audience/camera/?* Told ya! *grabs a bottle of ketchup and starts drinking it.*

Christine:…*stands there for a minute, staring at the door, shrugs, and goes to put on different clothes.*

Candles: *start going out.*

Particular Candle in Christine's Dressing Room/Candle #98 8/45: *face of Porky Pig appears in the flame.* Th-th-th-th-THAT'S ALL FOLKS! *flame goes out.*

Christine: *turns evil again.* NOOOO! YOU SHALL BE AVENGED! *turns normal.* No, shut up Gollum! *turns evil.* NO! WE WANTS OUR CANDLES TO BURN SO WE CAN FIND THE PRECIOUS! *turns normal and starts banging head against wall.* NO! I WON'T LET YOU! *turns evil.* OW! OW! YOU SUCK! *turns normal.* NO! YOU SUCK! *turns evil.* NO, YOU SUCK! *turns normal.* JUST GO AWAY GOLLUM! *turns evil.* FINE! THIS MOVIE ISN'T EVEN MY STYLE ANYWAY! *turns normal…for good. Oh, and stops banging head on wall.* There! Victory! *falls down.*

Erik: *hasn't seen or heard any of the so called 'epic battle' of Christine and Gollum.* INSOLENT BOY, THIS SLAVE OF FASHION! BASKING IN YOUR GLORY! IGNORANT FOOL, THIS BRAVE YOUNG SUITOR- *sees Christine and stops singing.*

Christine: *still laying on floor.* Umph, Angel, I, am, sorry. *makes an attempt to move hand, and fails…EPICALLY!*

Erik:…Uh, I'll just wait 'till you get your strength back

*so much time that it would be cliché and just too corny to put the exact amount later…*

Christine: *picks self up.* Okay, I'm good.

Erik: *sitting, playing cards with Antonio Salieri.* Got any jacks?

Salieri: O_O *gives him 2 jacks.*

Erik: *notices Christine.* Oh, yeah, hey. *turns to Salieri.* Alright buddy, time to go.

Salieri: But, but-

Erik: Go away, figment of everyone's imagination. *shoos Salieri away.*

Salieri:….*is forced to walk away, out of/off the story/set.*

Erik: Now, where was I, oh yes. *starts singing again.* SHARING IN MY TRIUMPH!

Christine: ANGEL OF MUSIC! YOU'VE FINALLY COME!

Erik: Come to me angel of music…I am your angel of music.

Christine: *walks towards Erik.*

Mist: *magically appears because of the sad day that Scrivener Elves started being used as paperwork managers and not wedding decorators.*

Christine: *sings dramatically while walking.* _AAAANGEL OF MUUUSIC! GUIIIDE AND GUARDIAN! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT TO MEH YOUR GLORYYYYYYYYY! AAAAAAAANGEL OF MUUUUUUUUUUUUSIC! HIIIIIIDE NO LONGAAAAAAAA! TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGE ! *_finally gets to the Phantom and grabs his hand.*

Erik: *takes her hand.*

Organ Music: DAHN! DAHN DAHN DAHN DAHN DAAAAAHN!

Erik: [Thinking to self: Yes, this moment must not be interrupted, not even by a-]

**Me: CLIFFHANGER! Sorry I'm ending it at like, the BEST scene and most AKWARD place to end it, but I gotta pace myself.**

**Carlotta: *mocking Christine's evil Gollum counterpart.* WE WANTS OUR PRECIOUS!**

**Me: That's not gonna fool me. **

**Carlotta: And **_**why **_**is that?**

**Me: Because **_**I'm **_**the one writing your dialouge!**

**Carlotta:...**

**Me: Alright, R&R/RUER/JRTTAWONYFLRSCAISR (Read & Review/ Read, Understand, Enjoy, Review/Just Read Then Think About Whether Or Not You Feel Like Reviewing Such Content And If So Review)! Flames will be used for...warming our hearts. Okay, cut the sappy talk, they'll be used for torches for excavators that I've hired to find the lost 1916 POTO silent film in Germany.  
**


	4. CHRISTINE'S BEEN ABDUCTED! D:

** HELLO! I have now updated, so please, stop sharpening your virtual pitchforks, and put down your graphically-enhanced torches, for I am back, with CHAPTA FOUER! XD XD XD XD SCREWED UP SPELLING INTENDED! XD XD XD XD **

** Disclaiming Carlotta: *is talking on a cell-phone* REALLY? YOU'D-A REALLY TAKE ME! OKAY! *closes phone, and turns to me* _YOU! _I do notta have-a to worka for you anymore! **

** Me: Whattaya talkin' bout woman? **

** Disclaiming Carlotta: _I _have just been accepted to the Fancy-Pants School Of Opera And Other Artsy Stuffs.**

** Me: *trying to act surprised* Wow! An offer to an oddly-named school that sounds like it doesn't exist that comes to a cell-phone that _I _gave you. And the weirdest thing is, _it was PERFECTLY timed,_ since I'm getting pretty sick of you anyway.**

** Disclaiming Carlotta: *snobbishly* Yes, that is what-a happens when you are the _best _singer in the world! Goodbye-a! *walks out snootishly***

** Erique Claudin: *walks in with a cell-phone in hand* Is she gone?**

** Me: Yup. Thanks for helping me rid myself of one of the worst pests in the world: Carlotta.**

** Erique Claudin: Any time dear, any time.**

** Disclaimer: *runs in, literally jumping and screaming for joy.* OH BOY OH BOY! I AM THE _ONLY _PERSON WHO DISCLAIMS AROUND THIS JOINT! WE DON'T OWN PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! NOT A SINGLE VERSION OF IT! BOOYAH! **

**Le Parody de l'Opera: 2004 Edition. YES!**

*Alright, we now return to exactly the point where we were so _rudely _interrupted...*****

Erik: [Thinking to self:-CLIFHANGER! No, wait, that wasn't what I was going to say. I was going to say nothing could ruin the moment except for a pack of extraterrestrial flying rabid rabbits that drool ectoplasmic slime. I at least _think _that was what I was going to say, but for some reason, I feel like I've just been interrupted, then put on pause for a long period of time. Oh well, I guess life does that to you.]

*outside the dressing room.*

Raoul: *walks to the door and tries to open it. He fails.* Aw crap! *starts yanking on the door handle and banging on the door.* WHY CAN'T I OPEN THIS CRUDDY DOOR! *bangs head against door, then falls over. Thud. There, see, I made a sound effect. TAKE THAT HARVARD!*

*back inside the dressing room.*

Christine: *hears the thud, and looks around.* Did you hear something?

Erik:...No.*starts walking sequence.*

Christine: Oh. Alright. *singing.* Beneath the opera house, I know he's there-

Erik: *stops for a moment.* Uh, I don't think those are the right words, dear.

Christine: Oh. I knew that.

Erik: *resumes walking sequence.*

Christine: *singing.* Saaaaaay you'll share with me one looooove, one lifetime. Saaaaaay-

Erik: *stops again.* Wrong again.

Christine: *frustratedly.* I know this, don't tell me!

Erik: *resumes walking sequence.*

Christine: *singing.* Iiiiin the twilight, glow, I see her-

Erik: *stops for like, the 100th time. YAY! I'VE PROVEN MY LACK OF MATHEMATICAL KNOWLEDGE!.* No no no!

Christine: *glares at him.* Well, I guess _somebody _doesn't know how to respect a song that's been recorded by Elvis, Hank Williams, _and _Willie Nelson!

Erik:...Okay...well, why don't I help you. The song starts with, _In sleep, he saaaang to meeeee. *_begins walking sequence.*

Christine: Okay. *singing.* In sleep, he saaaaaang to meeeeeee. In dreams he caaaaaame. That voice which caaalls to meeee, and speaks my naaaaame. And do I dreeeaaam agaaaain, for now I fiiiiiiiiiind: The Phaaaaaaaaantom of the Opera is there: Inside my miiiiind.

Erik: *singing.* Sing once again with me, our strange duet *approaches a giraffe that has been spray-painted black. Oh, it also wears a pair of cool-dude sunshades.* My power over you, grows stronger ye-

Christine: OH MY 3RD-DEGREE BURNT BUTTER CHURNER FROM MOUNT OLYMPUS! WHAT _IS _THAT THING? *points to the giraffe.*

Giraffe: *just stands there, doing absolutely nothing. I don't even know if it's _breathing!_ Who gives, it's not like this is gonna be performed or anything, right? Right? RIGHT?*

Erik: Uh, yeah, I lost the horse a few days ago after I was force-feeding it a potato, and like, the next day, I found this thing just standing there in my closet. So, I just decided to make it look even schweeter by painting it and giving it sunglasses.

Christine: What does schweeter mean?

Erik:...

*after a few moments of just standing there while background music just plays, Erik helps Christine onto the giraffe, and they commence their walking sequence once more.*

Phans who prefer the play rather than the movie (yes, I probably changed you name a bit. DON'T JUDGE ME! DX): Really? Really now? What's with this? A freaggin ride through the cellars? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

Phans who prefer the original book:...Ahem...

Phans who prefer the play:...Oh. We knew that.

*the duo continues to walk until they reach the lake with A GIANT YACTH IN THE MIDDLE...NOT! No, you would think Erik would have that, you know, since he gets a huge freaggin sum of money every month for doing absolutely nothing but terrorizing the simple-minded opera peoples. But, instead, there was a MOTOR BOAT in the middle of the lake.*

Christine: OOOH! LAKEY! *jumps into motor boat.*

Erik: *jumps in with and cranks the engine.*

Motor Boat: RUMM NIMIENIMEIENIMIENIMIE... *continues doing that.*

Lit Candles: *coming from the water.* YAY! IT'S FUN TO DEFY THE COMMON LAWS OF LOGIC AND SCIENCE! WHEEEE! WATCH US DO IT NOW, THEREFORE CREATING PARADOXES THAT WILL ONE DAY DESTROY THE EARTH! WHEEEEEEE!

Motor Boat: *getting close to the gate thingy.*

Erik: SING FOR MEH!

Christine: THE SUNN'LL COME OUT! TOMORROW! BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW, THERE'LL BE SUUUUUUUN!

Erik: *pinches the bridge of his nose.* Never mind.

Gate Thingy: *slowly goes up.* Lift. Lift. Lift. Lift. Lift. LIIIIFT...Lift.

Motor Boat: *reaches the shore, then stops.*

Christine: *watching with awe.*

Erik: *quickly jumps out of boat when it stops. He then attempts to throw off his awesome cape of pure phantomness...but it won't come off.*

Christine: * still watching with the same amount of awe*

Erik: *continues to struggle with cape.* Come on you stupid freaggin- *finally is able to throw cape off, and sends it flying.*

Cape: WHEEEEEE! I LAV BEING AIRBORNE! OH NOOOOO! *lands in a pile of lit candles.*

Candles: PWN 73H N008Y C4P3 (meaning, PAWN/OWN THE NOOBY CAPE, a phrase that, in this case, means DESTROY THE LOWLY CAPE!)

Erik: *stares in disbelief, then turns to Christine, regaining his suaveness.* I have brought you...to the seat of sweet music's throne. To this kingdom where all must pay homage to music...MUSIC! YOU HAVE COME HERE! FOR ONE PURPO-

Christine: *interrupting Erik.* Oh, hey, yeah, doesn't that mean you're NOT the Angel of Music?

Erik:...No...

Christine: Okay. I'll just continue to gaze at you in awe. *resumes gazing.*

Erik: Okay... YOU HAVE COME HERE! FOR ONE PURPO-

Christine: *interrupting again.* Hey, wait, are you _sure _you're the Angel of Music?

Erik:...Yes...

Christine: *starting to stare at him suspiciously.* You sure do look an awful lot like the Angel of Geography.

Erik:...Uh, what?

Christine: The Angel of Geography. You know, the angel that's dedicated to teaching geography! Just like the Angel of Literature, the Angel of Science, and the Angel of Quantum Mechainics.

Erik: Alright, so what's this "Angel of Geography" like?

Christine: Oh, he used to be so much fun...but uh, nowadays, he's sorta, uh, you know, *does the "koo koo" hand gesture*

Erik: Uh yeah.

Christine: *sighs.* And nowadays, the only thing he ever does is take out a map of ancient Greece, point to a specific place in the southern Peloponnesian Peninsula, and yell "THIS...IS...SPARTA!"

Erik:...O_O...

Christine: Yeah, but still, the other Angels are pretty cool! You should meet them. Anyway, back to what you were going to do.

Erik:...Let's just skip it.

Christine: *casually shrugs.* Okay.

Erik: *helps Christine out of the motor boat.*

Christine: *looks around.* Wow, nice place you got here.

Erik: Thanks, I try to keep it in good condition. In fact, I just cleared out my basement today.

Christine: You have a basement?

Erik: *becomes dazed and confused.* That's exactly the question I've been asking myself all day...O_e

Christine: *looks around, then sees Erik's trademark organ. Why does he get a trademark organ while I DON'T! IT AIN'T FAIR! IT! AIN'T! FAIR!* What's this?

Erik: *snaps out of his "trance"* That's my organ of a thousand awesomes.

Christine: Cool. *plays a key, which randomly makes confetti shoot out of one of the pipe-thingies.*

Erik: Uh, I think I have to call the organ repair man soon. But, anyway- *is cut off by Christine's excited squealing.*

Christine:OOOH! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED DOLLS! *points to Erik's doll set-erm, I mean model of the opera house.*

Erik: *one eye twitches.* Okay okay look, I know there are probably all kinds of rumors about me that float around this Godforsaken opera, but I do _not, _I repeat, _NOT, _I repeat again, _NOT_, I repeat once more, _**NOT**_ play with dolls!

Christine: Um, okay?

Erik: Alright then. Let's continue...*leads her around his home again.*

Christine: Ooh...Ahhh...Oh...AAAAAH! Heheh.

Erik: *walking with her, looking back at her every now & then.*

*the two finally approach the room-place with the mannequin.*

Erik: *shows her the mannequin with the wedding dress.*

Christine:...Wow...wedding dress...white..

Erik: *lovingly.* Yes, my love, it is a sign that I only love you, and shall love you forever.

Christine: Pretty...me...doll...wow...I...don't...look...fat...in...that...dress...

Erik: *concerned.* Uh, are you okay there?

Christine: Though...Carlotta... totally...would...and...so...would...Meg...but...I...shouldn't...tell...her...anything...

getting...sleepy...stayed...up...past...bedtime...yawn. *slowly starts falling asleep, laying on the floor.*

Erik:...Okay then...*picks Christine up and brings her to the swan bed, and lays her down.*

Christine: *mumbles and turns a little, then is motionless.

Erik: [Thinking: FINALLY! I JUST _KNOW _NOTHING WILL INTERRUPT ME NOW!] Help me make, the music of the, Niii...*continues the note while walking backwards, but accidentally slips on a randomly and conveniently placed banana peel and falls down.* This isn't my day...

*Alright, uh, some time later, coz I can't tell. It seems like daytime, coz I think I saw daylight, but the scene after this sorta makes it seem like nightime, but I guess it really would be daytime, so let's just say that, okay. Anyway, Meg is at Christine's door.*

Meg: *tries to open door, but sees that it's locked.* Oh darn, I wish I had a key. Oh well, better make do with what I _do _have. *takes out a paper clip, unwinds it to where it's one long steel rod thingy, and messes with Christine's lock.*

Door: CLICK! I'M OPEN! YAY! LET'S HAVE A PARTY!

Meg: *opens door.*

Door: *knob/nose gets twisted.* OUCHIES! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT HURTS ME?

Meg: *walks inside the dark dressing room.* Christine? Christine, are you there? You're not going to be mad at me for sneaking into your room, are you? *closes door.* Christine? *sees rose that was randomly placed there and picks it up.* What's this doing here?

Rose: OH THE HORROR! OH THE MANDESS! OH THE RANDOMNESS! JUST DESTROY ME NOW! *randomly perishes, creating a burst of colored eggshells and dust mites.*

Meg:...Even I don't get that joke, and I doubt the author does too... *moves mirror out of the way and begins walking down the passage.*

Rats: *look up at Meg.* Sup m'lady?

Meg: OH MY GOD! IT'S A BLACK-PLAGUE SPREADER! I'M PROBABLY GOING TO BLOW MY COVER BY SCREAMING, BUT OH MY OPERA GHOST THAT MANY PEOPLE SAY IS MY FATHER EVEN THOUGH THAT WOULD BE ILLOGICAL IN THE PLAY BECAUSE PHANTOM OF MANHATTAN SAID I SAW HIM WHEN I WAS SIX AND ALREADY HERE AND MANHATTAN CAME BEFORE THE MOVIE AND LOVE NEVER DIES! BLACK-PLAGUE SPREADERS! *grabs a bottle of rat-repellent and sprays it at the rats.*

Rats: FLEE! *all run away.*

Madame Giry: *puts her hand on Meg's shoulder.*

Meg: *quickly and paranoidly turns around.* OHMYGOD PLAGUE SPREADER! *sprays Madame Giry without realizing it's Madame Giry.*

Madame Giry: *...is sprayed with rat-repellent.* ACK! MY EYES! MY EYES! THEY STING!

Meg: OH MAMA, I'M SO SORRY! *hugs Madame Giry.*

Madame Giry: *fearfully and in pain.* GET SOME WATER, NOW MEG! PLEASE, BEFORE I DECIDE TO END IT ALL!

Meg: *hurries to the lake, puts some water in her hands, and splashes it on Madame Giry's face.*

Madame Giry: AH! IT STILL STINGS! MORE MEG, MORE WATER, PLEASE!

Meg: *panicks, turns around, and is about to head for Christine's dressing room (to grab one of Christine's water bottles), but is blocked by Salieri.*

Salieri: *has a bucket of water for Madame Giry, and splashes it on her (Madame Giry's) head.*

Madame Giry: *relieved.* Ah...thank you...wait, weren't you supposed to have left the story/set?

Salieri:...Yes...but I didn't want to! I like it here better! Besides, I don't actually have to kill anyone here! I mean yes, Mozart is still my enemy, but here, I can just write as I please and once again become famous because he's already dead!

Meg: Then who killed him?

Salieri:...I haven't a clue. He is dead right?

Meg: Yes.

Salieri: Well then, I guess I'll never know... O_o

Madame Giry: Let's just go...

Salieri: WAIT! Don't let me forget my new friend! *runs out of lair-passage way to get his "new friend"*

*Scene changes. We are now in the ballet dorms. Joseph Buquet is attempting to scare the living crap out of the ballet girls.*

Joseph Buquet: *acting like Frankenstein...'s monster. Yeah, it ain't Frankenstein, it's his MONSTA!*

Ballet Girls: *scream in fear.*

Joseph Buquet: *acting like a mummy.*

Ballet Girls: *scream in fear.*

Joseph Buquet: *acting like a chicken.*

Ballet Girls: *scream in fear*

Joseph Buquet: *acting like a racecar.*

Ballet Girls: *scream in fear.*

Joseph Buquet: *acting like the _Thinker _statue.*

Ballet Girls: *scream in fear.*

*While Joseph Buquet does an impression of a boom-box (scaring the Ballet Girls), Madame Giry, Meg, and Salieri (who's holding Gustave/Charles/Bob Daae's portrait) enter the room.*

Madame Giry: *looks at Salieri skeptically* Why again, Antonio, did you take that *points to Gustave/Charles/Bob Daae* with you?

Salieri: *offended* _He's_ my friend, and I think _he'd _appreciate it if you didn't call _him _"it"!

Madame Giry: *groans.*

Meg: *goes and sits down on her bed.*

Salieri: *sits down beside her.*

Joseph Buquet *FINALLY doing his impression of Erik.* Like yellow parchment, is his skin! A great black hole serves as the nose that, never grew-

Meg: *interrupting.* Hey, wait, aren't you referring to the original, Gaston Leroux creation, rather than the current Phantom?

Jospeh Buquet:...I'm not going to die anytime soon.

Madame Giry: *rolls her eyes.* Dude, just keep your hand at the level of your eyes.

*scene changes again, for like the 9001st time. IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAND! Anyway, Christine's still asleep in the swan bed.*

Christine: *mumbling in her sleep.* No...no mum, I don't want the fish-flavored teabags...Why are you a chicken-headed monster...Where are you going...No...NO *starts tossing and turning agitatedly...OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T KILL ME WITH DEER-RABIES! Oh, wait, that's a false statement *calms down.*...okay...Go away Raoul, you look like an even stupider and less hotter Lucius Malfoy...wait, he never was hot...Lucius that is...

Monkey Music Box: *starts playing.*

Christine: *grabs a randomly placed pillow and covers her head and ears.* No, give me five more minutes!

Monkey Music Box: *plays even louder.*

Christine: Ah, shaddap! *continues to cover her head and ears with pillow.*

Monkey Music Box: *stops playing for a sec, rubs cymbals together, then begins playing as loud as it can.*

Christine: *gets up irkedly (yes, Virginia, irkedly _is _a word. For explanation, see _Meg Annoys Erik _from my Random Phantom Phunnies.).* Grrr. *picks up music box and begins examining it for awhile, then puts it down irkedly.* You've got to be kidding me. Who invents an alarm clock _without a snooze button?_ *groans, gets out of bed, and walks out of the bedroom-place.*

Erik: *is playing organ and writing music/opera. He's also wearing *

Christine: *rubs head.* Where the heck am I?

Erik: *turns and sees Christine, then turns back to organ and music.*

Christine: *looks around.* What is this place? What time is it? Who am I?

Erik: *mumbles something about Alzheimer's medicine.*

Christine: Oh wait, I remember! *eyes dilate, and she begins to run around the lair.* AAAAAH! MIST! MOTOR BOATS! CANDLES! LAKES! MEN WITH MASKS! ORGANS! DOLLS! CONFETTI! RAT POSION SPLASHED IN MADAME GIRY'S FACE! *stops running and thinks for a minute.* Oh, wait, I think that only happened in a dream. Where was I? Oh, right. *continues running and screaming.*

Erik: *grabs Christine's arm, concerned.* Are you alright, dear?

Christine: Yes. I just feel weird. *looks down and sees that stockings are missing.* Hey! WHERE ARE MY STOCKINGS?

Erik: Uh...I dunno...

Christine: Did you steal them? TELL ME NOW!

Erik:...No...

Christine:You better not have! They had 20 carrat gold, jewel-encrusted leg-braces, and equal strands of platinum, silver, gold, and bronze embroidered into them. AND THEY BELONGED TO MY GRANDMA!

Erik:...No...

Christine: *crosses arms.* Alright then.

Erik:...Anyway, why do you feel weird?

Christine: I dunno. I just do. IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT MR. Mr...Uh, what's your name?

Erik:...Erik, though nobody calls me by that, so just call me by the annoyingly and unnecessarily longer name of "The Phantom of the Opera". Kapeesh?

Christine: Yeah. And what does Kapeesh mean?

Erik:...I seriously don't know...

Christine: Well, anyway, I better get going.

Erik: No! Don't Go!

Phans who prefer the play: *angrily.* YOU SAID THAT AT THE WRONG TIME, DOFUS!

Erik:...Sorry...

Christine: *puts hands on hips irkedly.* Why can't I go? I have rights! This is a free country!

Erik: Uh, I hate to break it to you, but this is France, not America. We're not free. And besides, women like you don't have rights yet...

Christine: *suddenly enraged.* OH NOW IT'S THE WHOLE "WOMEN DON'T HAVE RIGHTS BECAUSE THEY'RE CONSIDERED DUMBER, WEAKER, LESS ABLE, AND MORE USELESS THAN MEN" DEAL! THAT'S IT! *suddenly rips off Erik's mask. Upon seeing his face, Christine is no longer enraged, and lets out a little squeak/yelp/squeal/?*

Erik: *is suddenly enraged. He covers his face* WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO PRYING OFF PEOPLE'S MASKS LIKE THAT? HUH? WHY IN THIS OLD-TIMEY YET COLORED DEPICTION OF PARIS, FRANCE WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING? NOW I'M NEVER LETTING YOU GO! NEVER! **NEVER!**_** NEVER! **__**NEVER! **_

Christine: *is silently cowering in fear.*

Erik: *sighs, still covering face.* Yes, it's true, I have a horrible face and all that. It's oh so horrible. So horrible, in fact, that I've been tormented by circus freaks and people because of it. Oh. So. Horrible.

Phans who prefer the play: *sarcastically, putting hands on hips* Yes, it's so horrible, even though we don't see a swollen lip, or any facial disformity, peeking from your mask like we could with Micheal Crawford and others.

Christine: *slowly hands Erik his mask.*

Erik: *takes it, puts it on, looks at Christine, and speaks.* Come, we must return. Those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you.

*as the scene fades into a sheet of paper containing the script, Phans who prefer the play abruptly stop the fading process.*

Phans who prefer the play: *ranting.* We can't believe it! We just can't believe it! It's only been part of the first act, and they've already managed to screw up a bunch of the plot! Why didn't Erik sing that last part? Why didn't the ballet girl & Buquet scene occur _AFTER _the part where Christine wakes up? WHY DOESN'T GERARD BUTLER DO ANY JUSTICE TO MICHAEL CRAWFORD?

Random moviegoers: O_o...o_O

Phans who prefer the book: *to Phans who prefer the play.* Hey, at least you now know how we felt when the ALW play came out.

Phans who prefer the play: *turn to Phans who prefer the book.* Why we oughta...

*Phans who prefer the play and Phans who prefer the book get into an argument that soon turns into a watergun fight.*

Random moviegoers:...O_O

*the scene finally fades as the different Phan groups fight.*

**Me: Alright! Yet another chapter complete! This phiction might actually be finished! IT MIGHT JUST BE MY FIRST MULTI-CHAPTER PHIC AND FIC TO BE COMPLETED! XD**

** Erique Claudin: Well, good luck with that, dear. *pats me on back.***

** Me: *smiles at him.* And the next parody I do (if I do one again.) might be one of the 1943 POTO.**

** Erique Claudin: O_O You mean MY MOVIE?**

** Me: Aw, cheer up! I won't make you look _that _stupid.**

** Erique Claudin: *sarcastically.* Gee, thanks.**

** Me: I'll make Raoul and second-Raoul look even stupider! **

** Erique:...And that idiot who stole my concerto?**

** Me: He'll probably be the stupidest one in the phic. That is, if I end up writing it... **

** Disclaimer: *happily reading the reviews.* OOOOH! PEOPLES HAVE REVIEWED! XD **

** Me: *reads the reviews that reference the finding of the lost 1916 POTO* Aheheheh, yeah, we did end up finding the reel, even though we received no flames. Sadly, though, the reel actually turned out to be a phail. A MAJOR phail. *puts the reel in.***

** _After a black and white 3, 2, 1 circle the screen, a scene opens. A man with long hair and a thin mustache (Raoul) is dressed in a fairy-princess costume. He is presumably singing some kind of song._**

_** Raoul: [title card.] LALALALALALALA! I'M SO FREAGGIN AWESOME! LALALALALA! PEOPLE CAN'T STAND I! LALALALALALA! I'M SO FREAGGIN COOL! LALALALAALALALA! ….IT'S A CRIME! YA! I LAV HANNAH MONTANA ! **_

_*****_**Film reel cuts off.***

** Me: So, yes, though this movie is very, very phail, at least it proves that TIME TRAVEL EXISTS!**

** So, without further ado, BEETS (Be ecstatic; evaluate this story). GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD-erm, I mean FAIR READERS!**


	5. N0081H N073 &  N3W N44704

**Ah, yet another chapter in my insane parody of POTO. Rejoice my readers, rejoice. WHEE! **

** Disclaimer: We don't own Phantom of the Opera. Well, I doubt ANYBODY here does either (no offense), unless ALW or Gaston Leroux (in ghost form) somehow comes across this fic. **

** Me: Doubt it. **

** Disclaimer: *sighs.* Me too.**

**Le Parody de l'Opera: 2004 Edition. YES!**

*Okay, now the scene is going from colorful to grey again. NOOOO! MY EYES! THEY BLEED! THEY NEED COLOR! MY BRAIN IS ABOUT TO EXPLO- [the narrator's unseen head explodes. His brain stem has come out too. A deep, slow laugh is heard, and the brain stem has been picked up. It is revealed that Cryptosporidium, AKA Crypto was the culprit.

Crypto: Take that you dirty monkey!

Me: [rushes in.] I heard the narrator scream! [sees narrator's dead corpse.] OH MY WALRUS! NOOOOOOO! [turns and sees Crypto.] YOU IDIOT FURON! YOU KILLED MY ONLY NARRATOR! Now, because of YOU, I'm forced to postpone the story until I can find another narrator! Now my readers are going to LOATHE my guts! And don't even get me started on the FINANCIAL PROBLEMS of finding a new narrator! Those things cost more than they used to, you know!

Crypto: [shrugs.] Not my problem.

Me: [thinks, then grins evily.] Now it is, my NEW narrator!

[awkward silence.]

Crypto:...What?

Me: You. Will. Be. My. New. Narrator.

Crypto: I will NOT work for you, you pathetic human!

Me: Oh yes you will! I'm not waiting ANY longer to post this story. This thing WILL be written...

Crypto: Wanna fight?

Me: You're on, greenie! [smirks.]

Crypto: [glares.] I am _**NOT **_green!

Me: Bring it!

[One Epic (Fail) Battle Later...]

Me: [beaten VERY badly.] Ugh...

Crypto: And now, weak earth girl, it is time for you to fry! [gets out his Disintegrator Ray and aims it at me.]

Me: Wait, can I just have a few last words? Please?

Crypto: [groans.] Alright weakling. What are they?

Me: [smiles weakly.] Hello Erique! Nice new punjab.

Crypto: Huh? [turns around to see ERIQUE CLAUDIN, who's holding a punjab.]

Erique: [Punjabs Crypto and traps him.]

Me:Yay, [cough] I win! You're the new [cough] narrator!

Crypto: [growls angrily.]

Me: [gets up slowly, and hands Crypto the narrator scritp(o).] Okay, readers, just imagine the narrator has a very low, slow voice with a southern accent.

Crypto: Texan accent!

Me: Sorry. Anyway, ON TO THE STORY (ONCE MORE!)

Crypto: [reading narrator script(o)] We return to the auction site that we left chapters ago. The tiny, crushable people are now fleeing for their pathetic lives-er I mean leaving. Old Raoul's assistant is trying to get Raoul to leave as well, but fails miserably.*

Raoul's Assistant: Come on now, be good! Get in your chair! I'm missing the game because of you!

Old Raoul: *still making (pathetic) popcorn angels.* WHEEE! I LOVE CAAAAAKE! Which is NOT A LIE! WHEEE!

Raoul's Assistant: *groaning.* That joke's about as old as Madame Giry.

Old Salieri [Who looks like the Old Salieri from _Amadeus_.]: *glaring at Raoul's Assistant.* SHUT UP ABOUT MY WIFE!

Everyone there: *gasp.*

Everyone in the past: *gasp.*

Everyone in the future: *gasp.*

Readers: *gasp.*

*Crypto: [gasps.]

Erique: [gasps.]

Me: [gasps.]*

The Cast of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_: *gasp.*

The Whole Universe: *gasps.*

All Existence: *gasps.*

Old Salieri:...What?

Old Madame Giry/Salieri: Come along, hon, we've got to go.

Old Leferve/Old Previous Manager/Old Old Manager: YOU'VE GOT TO GET DOWN THE ROOOOAAAD BO!

Old Madame Giry/Salieri & Old Salieri:...Okay then.

Old Raoul: *being dragged into his wheelchair by his assistant.* NOOOOO! THE POPCORN! SHE CALLS TO ME! SHE _NEEDS _ME! *starts wailing.*

Raoul's Assistant: *pushes Old Raoul's wheelchair [with Old Raoul in it.] into the back of a Fed Ex truck.*

Random Dude 1: PENSKE!

Random Dude 2: No no NO! That is NOT a Penske truck! That is a FED EX truck you imbecile!

Random Dude 1: *hangs his head in SHAME!*

Old Raoul: *stares sadly at Old Madame Giry/Salieri out of the huge gaping hole I forgot to tell you about. He looks like he's gonna cry.*

Old Madame Giry/Salieri & Old Salieri: *watch him as the Fed Ex truck leaves, then get ready to leave in their own carriage.*

Old Raoul: *wailing like a brat.*

*Crypto: [narrating] As Old Raoul whined like a wine bottle-wait a second, who the heck comes up with these crappy jokes? Anyway a clip of the distant, colorful past was present inside the mouth of the bawling, foppish geezer. As the "Camera of Absolutely No Reference" zoomed in on the old "man's" mouth, the picture became larger and larger until it became the scene: A sunny morning, right after opening night.*

Orchestral Music: *plays.*

People in Old Attire: Lalalalala. We have absolutely no importance whatsoever in this story! AAAH! *one by one, they spontaneously combust and run around fearfully.*

*Crypto: [narrating] inside the Opera Populaire...*

Firmin: I AM FIRMIN! HEAR ME ROAR...mew.

Cleaning Ladies: O_e/e_O

Firmin: Sorry, I just _had _to do that. Anyway, MAESTRO!

Reyer: *randomly appears and taps his conductor stick/fairy wand, then disappears.*

Music: *begins playing.*

Firmin: *singing.* WHERE THE CRAP IS EVERYONE! I MEAN WHERE THE CRAP IS ANYONE! IS ANYONE GOING TO APPEAR! IS THERE ANYONE THAT IS STILL 'ROUND HERE? *talking.* I AM LONELY PEEPS! I don't even know where my lovable idiot sidekick is!

Andre: *runs in dressed as Chum Chum from the show _Fanboy and Chum Chum_.* WE DON'T HAVE A CAST! Except for the ballet girls, the chorus, the people already casted, etc. etc. etc.

Firmin: *ignoring Andre's costume.* I think you used one too many etcs. Andre.

Andre: I used as many as I required, no more or no less!

Amadeus Fans: WOOT! QUOTE FROM AMADEUS, SPOKEN BY A DUDE WHO ACTED IN IT! WHOOPEE!

Firmin: Andre, see here! Look at this truly awfully dreadfully terribly bad note I got!

Andre: *giving autographs to the _Amadeus_ Fans.* Say wha? Oh, right, * whispering to _Amadeus_ Fans.* Buzz off my precious. I shall see you again soon.

Amadeus Fans: *nod, then run out squeeing very loudly.*

Andre: *turning to Firmin.* Okay, what were we talking about? Something about an alien from the furon race killing a narrator?

Firmin: *oddly enough, calmly.* No, but that DID happen.

Andre: *concerned.* When?

Firmin: When we and the the random people of the opera were partying at the Vicomte's place while he wasn't there.

Andre: Oh.

Firmin: Anyway, as I was saying earlier, LOOK AT THIS TRULY AWFULLY DREADFULLY TERRIBLY BAD NOTE I GOT!

Andre: Hey, I think I got a note just as truly awfully dreadfully terribly bad as that one. In fact, I think it was worse. It's more of a truly awfully dreadfully terribly crappily unhappily upsettingly terrifyingly horribly bad note.

Firmin: *astounded.* That IS worse!

Andre: Shall I read mine aloud?

Firmin: Only if I get to read mine afterwords.

Andre: Alright.

Readers Who've Read Other '04 POTO Parodies: *excitedly.* Oh boy! Here come the newly-written notes! Yahooo!

Andre: *reading his note.* Dear wacko who resembles Emanuel Schikaneder: 'Sup stupid. Heard how you got jacked up on pixie stix last night. Anyway, fire Carlotta. She defines the term "Epic Fail." Well, that's partially because I'm the one who coined that phrase. I coined it last night. Anyway, after the hag of all hags has been fired, put Christine in her place. Word dawg. OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP

Firmin: Okay, my turn. *reading his note.* Dear freak that resembles Aberforth Dumbledore: Ello Ello Ello you incompetent fool! I just wanted to tell you that YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME MY PAY FOR DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT TERRORIZING YOU FORT NIGHTLY! Now, in an attempt to be an awesome dude, I am going to use yet another one of my phrases I coined. SHOW ME THE MONEY! How do you like it? I coined it last week. Anyway, if you don't pay me, YOU'RE GONNA DIE! DIE I SAY! D-I-E DIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE **DIE! **That is all. OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP

Firmin: Who the heck sent these truly awfully dreadfully terribly crappily unhappily upsettingly terrifyingly horribly bad notes? WHO ANDRE? WHO WHO WHO WHO?

Andre: OH MY GOD! OWLS HAVE INVADED FRANCE! POTTERMORE IS GOING TO DESTROY THE UNIVERSE! RUN TO THE NETHERLANDS! FLEE! FLEE! FLEE! *runs around in circles.*

Firmin: Lemme guess...more pixie stix?

Andre: NO! I had JELLY BELLIES THIS MORNING! TWENTY NINE WHOLE BAGS! WHOOOPEEE!

Salieri: *randomly appears holding Bob Daae's portrait.* I LOVE JELLY BELLIES! *stares blankly for a few seconds, then disappears instantly.*

Firmin: Anyway, as I was saying, WHO WROTE THESE?

Andre: Apparently, some person or thing with the initials OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP.

Firmin: What could that stand for?

Andre: *thinking.* Hmm...either Omnipotent Guys of Terranceville on Hills Coming off Popular Treason Like Ingrid Haplin of Popsicles, or Opera Ghost of the Opera House Called Opera Populaire That Loves International House of Pancakes.

Firmin: Hmm...I wonder which one it is.

Andre: I know. It's such a mind boggler!

Raoul: *bursts in through the doors, making an overly dramatic, stupid looking pose.* I have returned!

Cleaning Maid 1: We thought you were out cold!

Raoul: *arrogantly.* Well, for your information woman, I came to at precisely 3:03 AM this morning, and went home. I also discovered that I apparently soiled myself whilst I was out cold. *crosses arms.*

Firmin:...WHY exactly, did we need to know that?

Raoul: You probably didn't...just thought I'd let it out...

Firmin: *looking a bit sick.* Ooookay, anyway, what do you need Vicomte?

Raoul: *singing.* MS. DAAE! WHERE IN THE WORLD IS MS. DAAE! HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Andre: *speaking.* NO! I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE PRETTY LADY IS! *cries.* WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME? TT_TT

Raoul: *snaps fingers.* Crap. I was SERIOUSLY hoping you'd know where she was. I left her 5 messages, knocked at her place twice, broke into her house once, texted her 15 times, which you all know is very pricy, and even had the police look for her. I then realized she lived here, unlike the stage show, and that the house I broke into was Irene Alder's summer home. Man, what a beating I received. *points to black eye.*

Andre: YEESH! That must have HURT! *randomly starts chewing a stick of gum.*

Raoul: I also got this note. It goes like this: *reading note.* Hola Mr. Creator of Future Hippie Styles. You suck. Christine is MINE! ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHA! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP P.S. I dipped your hand in warm water whilst you were out cold. Hope you soiled yourself! *after reading note.* So THAT'S why I soiled myself! Anyway, you DON'T know where Christine is?

Firmin: We have absolutely no idea where she is.

Carlotta: *walks into Opera Populaire with Piangi behind her.* WHERE IS-A THE STUPID-A STUPID DUDE NAMED RAOUL WHO I PREVIOUSLY SAID WORSHIPPED ME! HE-A SENT ME A NOTE THAT WAS-A MEAN AND I HATE! *farts for a few seconds, then hands Andre the note.*

Andre: *reading note.* Greetings Gas Bag of Terror! I'm just writing to tell you that you shall no longer be permitted to enter this Opera House. Ever. Even if you're just coming to watch a show. Even if you left your purse here and are just stopping by to get it. Even if you just HAVE to use the bathroom, and all the other places are closed or forcing you to buy something before you use the bathroom, and you're coming here to use it. No. Stay away, or else I'll command my army of wild rabid badgers to come and destroy you. Good day to you. No, wait, lemme change that. Day to you. Wait, that didn't sound right. You know what, Bye! OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP. P.S. Tell Piangi he sucks too, but he's still allowed here. God knows he needs a place to escape from you.

Carlotta: *points to Raoul.* HE WROTE IT! HE DID IT! HE HE HE!

Raoul: No I didn't! I just told the managers about my attempts to stalk/track down Christine! If I was busy doing THAT, as well as making my awesome hair of stylishness look its best for about an hour and a half, I wouldn't have ANY time to write a note like that!

Carlotta: LIAR!

Raoul: UGLY!

Carlotta: STUPID!

Raoul: FAT FACE!

Joseph Buquet: *randomly appears.* JOSEPH BUQUET! *exits.*

Firmin: STOP SCREAMING BEFORE I START HATING EVERYONE HERE!

Andre: *about to cry.* Even me? YOUR FAITHFUL SIDEKICK! *let's not forget, he's still in his Chum Chum costume.*

Firmin: *sighs.* No. Not you. But everyone else.

Raoul: *sticks tongue out at Carlotta.*

Carlotta: *sticks tongue out at Raoul.*

Firmin: Okay, here's the deal. Apparently, all of these notes have something to do with Christine.

Andre: Not the one you got!

Firmin: *sighs.* _Most _of these notes have something to do with Christine. And they're all from the same guy.

Madame Giry: *enters with Meg and Salieri (who holds Bob Daae.).* I AM HERE, WITH AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE!

Silence: *occurs.*

Cleaning Lady 6: *coughs.*

Silence: *is killed by Cleaning Lady 6's cough.*

Andre: NOOO! *to Cleaning Lady 6.* YOU KILLED SILENCE!

Madame Giry: HELLO! I EXIST PEOPLES! Anyway, Christine is here, she's alright, yadda yadda yadda.

Raoul: I WANNA SEE HER!

Madame Giry: NO!

Raoul: *whines.* But I WANT to!

Madame Giry: *takes out squirt bottle and squirts Raoul with it.*

Raoul: IT BURNS!

Meg: She needs rest dude. Do you CARE enough about her to let her rest?

Raoul: Yes I do! I just...wanna see her.

Salieri: I wanna see how they make Jelly Bellies, but I'm not gonna learn that for awhile!

Andre: I feel your pain...TTT_TTT

Madame Giry: I have a note. *reading note.* Yo, everyone who sucks; listen up dawgs. You ain't been listenin' to me, and I ain't gonna take it! If you ain't gonna listen, I ain't gonna be in a good mood, and I'm gonna go and cause a bunch'a bad crap. Ya want that? No? THEN LISTEN UP HOMIES! Christine. She's gonna be the lead in the next opera that will occur tonight, the night right after some completely different opera occurred. Carlotta. She's gonna be the only silent role in the whole thing in the same opera. In fact, if you'd like to, you can scrap her. But I suggest the former. It'll be more fun to watch her as she secretly yearns to perform that act she calls singing. Lemme sit in Box 5 OR ELSE I'LL CRUSH YOU ALL! Except Mme. Giry. And Meg. And Salieri. And Bob. They're my good henchmen-I mean friends. Sincerely, OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP. PS, I'm the one who stole the mustard from the refrigerator in the managers' office. DEAL WITH IT! *after reading note.* I highly suggest you follow his orders.

Andre: HE IS A MUSTARD STEALER! Q_Q WHY THE MUSTARD? WHYYYY!

Carlotta: *rips a really long, loud, juicy fart.* THE DUDE'S TRYING TO DESTROY MY EPICALLY AWESOME REPUTATION OF PURE AND DIVINE SINGING AND GIVE CHRISTINE THE UPPER HAND! THAT DOES IT! *farts.*

Firmin: You know what? We're gonna defy the dude's orders! Carlotta's the lead SCREW IT ALL! MUAHAHAH!

Andre: YOU IDIOT! THAT ISN'T HOW YOU SPELL A MANIACAL LAUGH! IT'S SPELLED: MWAHAHAHAHA!

Firmin: Okay! Fine! As I was saying: CARLOTTA'S THE LEAD IN THE NEXT OPERA! CHRISTINE'S THE SILENT PAGE DUDE! TAKE THAT YALE!

Andre: HARVARD!

Firmin: WHATEVER!

Carlotta: No! No NO NO NO NOOOO! I REFUSE FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER!

Piangi: NO! WE REFUSE! *whispering to the managers.* _Help. Me. Please._

Firmin: Please will you do it? Please? Please? PLEASE?

Carlotta: NOO!

Firmin: But you're our STAR!

Carlotta: NOOOO! *runs to her dressing room.*

Managers: COME BACK!

Everyone but Madame Giry: WAIT UP!

Madame Giry: -_- Oy Vey...*trudges after everyone else, trying to tell them that they should listen to the notes.*

*Crypto: [narrating] In Carlotta's room...*

Carlotta: *whining, fussing, making ugly faces (well, uglier than her regular one...), and farting.*

Firmin: Be good now! Take the role of awesomeness!

Carlotta: NO! I REFUSE! *runs out of dressing room.*

Everyone but Madame Giry: *runs after her.*

Madame Giry: *yelling to everyone else while walking after them.* THE ANGEL OF MUSIC WILL MAKE IT RAIN EXPLOSIVE, RADIOACTIVE BEETS MADE BY SLUGWORTH IF YOU DON'T OBEY!

*Crypto: [narrating] In and behind the stage area...*

Carlotta: *walking and farting down the backstage area.* NO NO NO! IT'S USELESS! I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO PLAY THE PART!

Firmin: I'll give you all of Andre's jelly beans.

Andre: HOW COULD YOU FIRMY? Firstly, they're called Jelly Bellies, and secondly, HOW COULD YOU? I_I

Immature Dude Dressed Like Captain Underpants: *Doing the underpants dance, from _Captain Underpants and the Big, Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy Part 2: The Revenge of the Ridiculous Robo-Boogers_.*

People Watching: *clap and laugh at Immature Dude Dressed Like Captain Underpants.*

Carlotta: *walking in the way of the ballerinas, farting in their general direction. HAHA! MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE NUMBER TWO!* TWO WORDS! N-O!

Anre: It's two letters you dolt!

Carlotta: NO!

*Crypto: [narrating] At the main stairway (which was pretty much useless, you know, since they were there like, 10 minutes ago...)*

Carlotta: NOOOOO! *walks to main entrance.*

*Crypto: [narrating] The following utterances are said at the same time.*

Carlotta: Heck NOOOO!

Firmin: Our STAAAAR!

Andre: MisunderSTOOOOD!

Madame Giry: Please OOOBEEY!

Meg: Random NOOOOTE!

Salieri: Random NOOOTE!

Everyone But Bob: Random NOOOOTE!

Bob: I'm BOOOOB!

Door: OpenIIING! *opens, letting everyone's screams be heard in the wide open world of Paris...that's filled with many, many, MANY Christine admirers*

*Crypto: [narrating] Okay, now you can read the text without having to think of it being said together at the same time.*

Christine Admirer 136: GIVE DA ROSE TO DAAE! *shoves rose in Carlotta's face.*

Door: OOPSIES! *slams shut.*

Firmin: We need you.

Andre: Your nonexistent public needs you too.

Nonexistent Public: *crashes through window.* WE DON'T NEED HER! WE CAN DO WITHOUT! *run out of sight.*

Carlotta: *ignoring Nonexistent Public and looks tempted.* Hmmm *rips a faint fart.*

Firmin: Uh, um, the WORLD wants you!

World: *crashes through other window.* NO WE DON'T! WE'LL DO WITHOUT TOO! *flees.*

Carlotta: *ignores World as well, and looks even more tempted.* Hmmmmm...

Firmin: SING FOR US ALREADY!

Carlotta: Ummm...*farts for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long (longer than this very long, long, long, line of longs...) period of time.* Okay.

Firmin: Woot. Screw OGOTOHCOPTLIHOP. I HATE IT WHEN OBSCURE PEOPLE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Madame Giry: Okay, since I apparently can't convince you to do the right thing, you're gonna have to learn the hard way. So, my statement is this: You all are screwed. And dead.

Andre: That was TWO statements! YY_YY

Madame Giry: *to Andre.* You're dying first. *walks off.*

Meg: Wait up mum! *runs after Madame Giry.*

Salieri & Bob: WAIT FOR US! *run after the two Girys.*

Everyone Else: *heads for Carlotta's dressing room for like, the second time.*

*Crypto: [narrating] In Carlotta's dressing room...for the SECOND time already...*

Carlotta: Yay! I get free stuff! *gets handed a crystal necklace and farts.* OOOH! SHINY! *gets handed a very ugly bulldog.* OHMYGOD! THE PRETTIEST-A DOGGY IN EXISTENCE! I LAV YOU! YOU'RE NAME IS BOB!

Bob: *randomly appears, being held by Salieri.* Three words: Name. Already. Taken. *disappears.*

Firmin: God, I'm thirsty. Any glasses or goblets? Heck, even a Styrofoam cup would do!

Andre: Nope. Fresh outta Styrofoam.

Firmin: Dangit! Ah well, guess I'll have to use this shoe. *grabs shoe, pours wine into it, then drinks. Ick.*

*Crypto: [narrating] In and behind the stage area...once again, for the SECOND time...*

Carlotta: *being carried on bed-like thingy.* WHEE! I LOVA RIDES! *rips an exceedingly smelly fart.*

Firmin: *looks sick.*

Andre: *looks excited.*

Carlotta: *after being carried to the stage and forced to get off her bed-like thingy.* WAAAH! I WANT ANOTHER RIDE! *farts.*

Ugly, Pink Dress: *slowly falling onto Carlotta.* HEEELP MEEEEE!

Piangi: *shedding tear.* I feel your pain dress...

Carlotta: *suddenly has ugly, white makeup and an ugly, white wig.* I LOOK-A BOOTIFUL! WHEE! *twirls and farts.*

Madame Giry: *brings Meg and Christine, who are in costume, onstage.* Here we are. Awesome as ever. Some of the ONLY people who will live.

Salieri & Bob: Don't forget us! *jump beside the Girys and Daae.*

Stage: *lights up with the age old rapport.*

Everyone: SING ONCE MOOOORE!

Curtains: *close on the scene.* Doompity-doo!

Phangirls who LOOOVE the stageplay better than the movie: THEY FORGOT TO HAVE ERIK SCREAM: "So, it is to be war between us. If these demands are not met, A DISASTER BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION WILL OCCUR!", FOLLOWED BY YET ANOTHER "ONCE MORE!"

Moviegoers: O_O *back away from Phangirls who LOOOVE the stageplay better than the movie.*

**Alright! Another chapter complete! This will be dedicated to the two who died in this fic. WE LOVED YOU BOTH! WE'LL MISS YOU BOTH! **

**Crypto: *mutters.* I won't. **

**Me: *glares at him.* Yes you WILL! **

**Crypto *glares at me.***

**Me: *glares back.***

**Disclaimer: *glares at a brick wall.* **

**Me: *shakes head.* Anyway, just as a side note, ANY TEXT IN THE ACTUAL STORY (including the actions.) embedded in asterisks/** is apart of something I'm going to call "The Narrator's Dimension," the place where the narrator resides, along with anyone lucky/talented/smart/? enough to get past the security system, which is theoretically impossible unless I allow it. **

**Crypto: Then how was I able to penetrate the system?  
**

**Me:...I secretly let you in...**

**Crypto: *skeptically Oh really?**

**Me:...Yes... *to the readers.* Well, I hope you all enjoyed my crazy new chapter! Oh, and for those of you who don't know about Crypto, he's from a videoame series called **_**Destroy All Humans. **_**The dude who provided his voice for most of the games is ****J. Grant Albrecht, and I guess he sounds a bit like Jack Nicholson. So, if you wanna research/look up anything about my "new narrator," here's just a bit of information to start with.**

**Remember folks: RTRTESST (Read Then Rate Then Enjoy Some Show Tunes.)**


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